After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
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Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
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I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
How about daylight saves us for once
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.