Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
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What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!