Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
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If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.