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Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.