Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
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I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.