Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
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Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Optional boss fight.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
i hope my email finds you on fire
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.