[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
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I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.