My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
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While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
An odd boast
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Me too door. Me too.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell