I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
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My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.