Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern