her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
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Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
You are what you delete.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving