Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
You Might Also Like
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.