I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
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Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Watson was Holmes schooled
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Accurate
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news