Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
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“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Sounds like a bargain
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind