[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
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Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
(Electricians.)
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Name another movie that mislead you?
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough