my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
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Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Real House Wines.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.