Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
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When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I was up all night reading about insomnia