[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
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Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here