I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
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[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?