* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
You Might Also Like
TODAY
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru