Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
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Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
fr
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁