FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
You Might Also Like
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
subtitles are so good nowadays
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves