Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
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So the ex texted me
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.