Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
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Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”