Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
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Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Battery falling down a hole
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
happy valentine’s day to me
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows