i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
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How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
The Friday File.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Sunday
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.