[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
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The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Nothing.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
necessity is the mother of invention
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis