[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
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[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Is….Is this an option?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.