Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
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ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Awwwww shit.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.