Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
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*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Me as a therapist: omg same
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
This checks out
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.