7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
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Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
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Expectations vs. Reality
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help