me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
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An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.