Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
You Might Also Like
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level