If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
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Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”