My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
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Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
wow he looks just like him
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
an airline just for babies.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.