japanese corn
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Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.