CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
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If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
#NeverForget
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…