*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
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I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Liquor Store Parking
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
termite twitter scares me
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.