She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
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Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…