[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
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[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries