No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
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I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?