I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
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GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
my one true gender
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.