Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
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{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco