HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
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[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master