Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
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Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car