Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
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The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently