As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
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Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends