Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
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8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
War & Peace
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.