Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
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When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert