[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
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“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I told my vodka about you.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.